.

Last time I rode the roller coaster, I was in college. I remember the feeling very clearly -- anticipation building as the cart moves up the track, excitement and fear mingle together as you reach the top, and once the cart makes it's way down the track gaining speed --- faster and faster and faster -- comes...freedom. 

I wish life's roller coaster ride is the same but that's wishful thinking on my part. I've been riding one since last year.

Ever since the "incident" happened, I've been going up, down, loop to loop then up and down again...emotionally, physically, financially and even spiritually. Imagine a roller coaster ride that never ends...it can only equate to a nightmare *shudders* I've lost hope for a time, I ate a lot, I got depressed...my midlife crisis came earlier than expected. LOL It's been a rough ride but I got a lot older (hopefully I didn't look it though) and wiser.

I've been restless a couple of days now, my current roller coaster ride was about to come to an end but I can't seem to be fully happy with the notion. Is it because I got a li'l more cynical (God forbid) after everything that happened? Is it because my monthly period is due in a couple of weeks? Or is it because I'm in for another ride and I am afraid that it'll be another nightmare waiting to happen?

I don't know anymore and I don't want to think about anymore but I can't really do anything about it.

Right now, I am faced with choices that will determine if my roller coaster ride will be another nightmare. Maybe you're saying "why not choose the one that won't be that bad?" That's the catch, I don't know which one that is. LOL 

Should I choose a work of happiness to a work that pays well?

If I choose the former, it would mean unhappiness and a great trial for my family but if I choose the latter, it would mean unhappiness and a great trial for myself. I have experienced the latter, not once but twice already...with the first one I always questioned myself "am I in the right field? Am I doing the right thing?" but then again my parents were happy, the second one made my parents live a comfortable life for a time but it ended with the "incident" leaving me and my parents with nothing. Now I have a chance to do what I dream of doing, a work I am sure that I will be happy with but it would mean that I won't be able to support my parents with the salary I'll be getting. Should I choose that or the other job being offered to me that pays very well but I'll be doing the same thing I've done for the last 6 years. What should be my choice? Should I be selfish or selfless?

I wish life is less complicated. For now, I'll just ponder and weigh things, I have a day left before the coaster sets to motion...I hope a day is enough to think and make a major decision that will definitely change my life.

Signing out~~

MERR!QUE 

I am not a religious person but I do believe that there's a God.

Fate and faith though, never did believe that it can go hand-in-hand. Fate you cannot change, it's bound to happen, period. Faith on the other hand, well, it's not concrete, you base it on your beliefs. One thing I know for sure is, you shouldn't let both rule your life COMPLETELY.

My religion is simple : God's plan for you depends on what you do in life. If you're good then good things come your way, vice-versa. Clear cut. The catch here is...knowing what is good and what is bad. ROFL It's like playing minesweeper, mines = bad things, numbers and possibilities will give you an idea where the mines are located...yet *boom*, you click on it anyway.

Sometimes you think that what you're doing is good or for the good of others and yet it still blows in your face. Then you realize after a while that you are doing the right thing but it's making you into a bad person. Am I making sense?

In my wanting to make life better for my parents...I worked my butt off yet it cost me a lot. Took away my time, my health, my principles, my temper, etc. Oh yes, for a while it was good to be able to provide a lot of things for them. Yet when it ended, when I am not able to provide anything aside from my company, my understanding or a pat on the back and the words "everything will be alright" then seeing the hope in their eyes even for a while or a smile to say "thank you for being here"--it was worth it, I realized that I needed this break. I needed to see and feel what I was missing or what I really should be doing. 

Anyway, too many realizations these past few months and somehow I can say that I've learned a lot...I always do. When will things get better? I really dont know. I will do my best to make it better...never did believe in just sitting down and letting faith or fate do everything.

For now, just go with the flow but I'm bringing my paddle so I can stir my boat to the right direction. 

Zinging Out~~

MERR!QUE

"Life gets better the more sh!t you encounter."