.

...not the vase...although breaking one would ease what I'm feeling considerably.

I'm talking about my heart. LOL I can hear it breaking...not the shattering-to-pieces kind, more on the cracking kind.

All boils down to TRUST, you trust someone fully and then you find out something that makes you doubt your trust in the person you love dearly. That really hurts...a lot. If it wasn't important or if it's just "trivial" why not tell me? LOL We talk abou trivial things a lot but why keep it from me...it makes the "trivial" thing a "suspicious" thing. Specially when the "trivial" thing happens to be some weird girl calling you. And you make an effort to know more about this girl, who she is, where shes from, what she looks like (you even ask you highschool buddy to help you locate her...lol) and you talk to her ever so often -- is this trivial? LOL I doubt it, if something is so trivial, you wouldnt give it the time of day. But you did, what does it say about you?

A friend asked me "Are you sure he was flirting?" LOL I've known him for years and he likes talking to girls, for him it's friendly but what he doesn't see and what me and our friends can see is that he likes to flirt.  

When guys flirt with me, I admit that I feel very sexy...yes, it makes me feel good...that's just about it. I don't flirt back more often than not unless it's a very dear friend and I know for a fact that he's harmless. If it's a very good friend and I get to feel he's serious, I put on that "taray" barrier to say "KEEP YOUR DISTANCE" or just be plain frank and ask if he's hitting on me and then dump him right then and there. That's because I respect my partner (lesson learned because I did the opposite before so I tried to change my ways as soon as I committed to this relationship). I don't flirt often because it can become a habit like everything else. I don't want it to become -- I don't drink...I don't smoke...but I flirt...I am addicted to it.

Flirting continuously with someone who you don't really know but shows an interest in you (i.e. calling you for no reason at all)...well, that's just asking for trouble. Oh yeah, it'll make you feel more macho...more desirable..but how would you feel when you see the hurt in your girlfiend's eyes? Was the flirting worth it? If your answer is yes or I don't really care, then you don't love your partner, so fu*k you. If you answer, no, then good for you to realize your mistake but you're still ONE BIG A-HOLE for doing so! LOL And if the gf did the same thing to you, how would you feel? LOL You get what you give.. 

I'm hurt, I'm mad, yes, I am angry but most of all I am dissappointed. I kept the connection lines open. I was honest with my fears. I was honest with my feelings. I try not to be a nosy gf (i dont check your email, i dont check your fone), I try not to be our friend's gfs that we hate. I value your privacy. I trusted you.

All I'm asking in return...HONESTY. 

And to not have that with something so "trivial"...lol it hurts more. 

I tried asking myself if I was right to get mad...YES, OH YES no doubt about it, if I didn't get mad then it just means I didn't care enough. Yes, i know he loves me but makes me wonder what if he can find someone else to love...lol...coz his actions make me think he's still looking. Should I also keep looking still?

I promised myself I won't cry...promises are meant to be broken...shouldve known better.

Signing out~

MERR!QUE

"Life gets better the more shit you encounter." 

Day 4

AGAIN!!! She did it again. Wake me up at 9am while she's dressing up only to tell me that they shouldve met with my Ninang at around 8:30am. I asked if should still come since it was late and my brother was going with her, she said YES. I went downstairs, took a bath and when I got out of the bathroom I saw her at the gate looking for my brother so they can leave...

Ok, you wake me up, you made me take a bath, you rush me and then you leave me...WTF???!!

I asked her what's the real score and she tells me to just go with my other brother at a later time...*temper explodes* Why rush me and then leave...jesus?! Thank you very much for ruining my day again.

This is one farking Christmas week, I just hope it all ends -- the pretense, the insults, the lies. It makes me hate me people more and more.

Signing out~~

MERR!QUE

"Life get's better the more sh!t you encounter." 

Day 1 with the relatives (Yesterday)

I wasn't able to write anything down as I was a little tired when I got home. Was only able to play WoW for a short period of time. Anyway, we went to the airport at around 1pm to pick up the "relatives"--my Ninang, my cousin and her husband and their 2 daughters. We waited for 2 hours which isn't unusual and I really didn't mind as I had a bag of Potato Chips (Nori Flavor *yum yum*) with me in the car. We brought two vehicles, the car and the van since we predicted that their luggage won't fit inside the van alone, we were tasked to safekeep the others. So bottomline my mom made me come there to be part of the welcoming committee slash bag lady. >.>

Anyway, my first impression about my relatives seeing them after 20 years are as follows:

My Ate Annie looked great, she's aged a bit but always smiling, perky and pretty. I don't really remember anything about her that much as I was closer to the younger sister Aileen. Her husband Pat was wearing a nice hat, he was quiet maybe from the humidity and jet lag but was still smiling. The 2 daughters were very lovely, the older one Kimberly is very beautiful (tall, long blond hair and hazel eyes), she's smart and holds herself regally but is friendly and the younger one is very cute, she can't leave without her look-a-like doll and can't stop talking (about everything and anything). And lastly my Ninang, the moment I hugged her I got a little teary eyed. Don't know if it was from missing her (i doubt this but can be part of) or for remembering the bad things she told the other relatives about me, the make-up stories to make me look like the uncaring daughter/relative (most likely this). Anyway, they were good people and it was really nice seeing them again.

The thing I didn't like seeing was the transformation in my mom. She was complaining and noticing everything and anything -- "why'd you bring them to a Filipino resto, they can't eat majority of those food?!" but the resto was requested by my Ninang herself. "why are you wearing heels!?" "why is it hot here?!" I know she wants to please the relatives but give me a break, lighten up please. There's no point in pretending or making a pretty picture to them (the relatives) when you yourself like to tattle to them about the bad things happening to our family. I just find it plastic and I hate plastic people.

A  few sore subjects came up last night, questions such as "Where are you working right now?", why ask that question in the first place when I know for a fact thet they know I am not working at the moment (they know that because my mom told them about it). My mom was waiting for me to make up something but I just answered truthfully "I am not working right now." and they were like "oh.." *next subject* I can't really understand that way of thinking, my Mom wants a pity party with her specially when she's talking to our relatives abroad. She tells stories that make her look "kawawa" or "hirap na hirap", of course telling people that will cause them to pity you so why expect them to look highly at your kids after telling them stuff like that? Just doesn't make any sense. You ruin the reputation of your kids and yet you want them to make a good impression, how the hell is that possible?

Anyway, I just told myself last night that everything will be ok.

 

Day 2 (Today)

TODAY SUCKS! /pif First they wake me up early because the plan is to fetch the relatives at 10am today and go shopping at Greenhills and Tiendesitas, I was in-charge of that. I was looking forward to that as I was having a chat with my niece last night and I wanted to take her to some of the shops I know that sell great clothes for her age. I took a bath already and was about to go and dress up and guess what...my Mom tells me that I won't be joining them because there wasn't any space left in the van -- the van seats 14 people. Now let's count, 5 relatives, my mom, my brother, the driver -- do the math. Talk about a big slap on the face. I don't believe for one second that that's the reason why and I don't want to think about it anymore as the reasons I can think off makes me hate my mom and bro right now all the more. But honestly I'd rather she give me the real reason rather than making up some lame excuse. And now they're texting me for directions on how to go to Tiendesitas, tough luck, go find a map.   

I'll be playing WoW today. They can do whatever they want and I don't give a damn anymore. 

Signing out to wow~~

MERR!QUE

"Life gets better the more sh!t you encounter." 

Ok, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed so I'll make this short and sweet.

 Today is the day that my relatives will arrive from the US. Yay! I'm so happy <please insert a bucket of sarcasm here> I can die! >.>

Let's hope this bland Christmas (oh yes, I can't even feel it's near. I only know because some people try to remind me the date everyday) will be a happy one...but I seriously doubt it.

 Signing out...to sulk~~

MERR!QUE

 "Life gets better the more sh!t you encounter."