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The Ladybug

2007-03-04T22:22:40+08:00

I have chosen to be selfish so 2 weeks ago I accepted the low paying job that I wanted and I now detest it. LOL Damn it! Why is it that lately all my decisions are off the mark. I don't detest it because of the salary...I detest the culture and the attitude. I'm not saying that their culture is wrong...IT'S JUST NOT FOR ME. A lot of socialization during work isn't really a priority for me, meeting deadlines and having a well-made and not half-baked project is. I go to work to work and have fun. My idea of fun isn't going out with officemates to make small talk or talk about other people and their faults and shortcomings, rather fun is being able to express my artistic self via my projects.

When I took this job, I was holding on to the thought that it'd be fun. That's the only thing I had to hold on to as the salary was minimal, the position is below my old position, I don't have any close friends ('cept for Che) and the place is far from my place. So, I had the "FUN" as my only foothold.

Ahahaha! Where's the fun now?

Where's the fun in being cooped up at the office doing the same thing I was doing before (and I wanted this job because it'll divert me from my old one...tough luck)? Where's the fun in being left alone and your boss missing and not teaching you what you need to do? Where's the fun in being watched closely by your officemates and your eating in front of your desk during lunch (because of the toxic workload) is being taken against you? Where's the fun in having at most 3 hours of sleep in a day because you had to bring home your work because you have a really crappy computer? Where's the fun in having to spend your weekends working because of the unrealistic deadlines? Where's the fun in having a shitty workload that needs at least 3 people to finish it yet you are expected to do it on your own? Where's the fun?

Rey told me that my story reminds him of the movie Devil Wears Prada. Yeah, I made him watch it...LOL So following the movie plot, should I change and become a Social Butterfly to fit in and be happy, to be successful? I gave that a lot of thought and I've decided that it's a waste of time. Why change to something so trivial (yes, I find the constant talk of clothes, boys and other people too shallow) when I am happy with myself?

I may not be liked by everyone but I have substance. I'm like a ladybug...cute, not overly eye-catching but still beautiful in my own way. I won't be forced to change to something lesser than who I am right now.

~~Signing out

MERR!QUE

Roller coaster ride

2007-02-14T14:42:20+08:00

Last time I rode the roller coaster, I was in college. I remember the feeling very clearly -- anticipation building as the cart moves up the track, excitement and fear mingle together as you reach the top, and once the cart makes it's way down the track gaining speed --- faster and faster and faster -- comes...freedom.

I wish life's roller coaster ride is the same but that's wishful thinking on my part. I've been riding one since last year.

Ever since the "incident" happened, I've been going up, down, loop to loop then up and down again...emotionally, physically, financially and even spiritually. Imagine a roller coaster ride that never ends...it can only equate to a nightmare *shudders* I've lost hope for a time, I ate a lot, I got depressed...my midlife crisis came earlier than expected. LOL It's been a rough ride but I got a lot older (hopefully I didn't look it though) and wiser.

I've been restless a couple of days now, my current roller coaster ride was about to come to an end but I can't seem to be fully happy with the notion. Is it because I got a li'l more cynical (God forbid) after everything that happened? Is it because my monthly period is due in a couple of weeks? Or is it because I'm in for another ride and I am afraid that it'll be another nightmare waiting to happen?

I don't know anymore and I don't want to think about anymore but I can't really do anything about it.

Right now, I am faced with choices that will determine if my roller coaster ride will be another nightmare. Maybe you're saying "why not choose the one that won't be that bad?" That's the catch, I don't know which one that is. LOL

Should I choose a work of happiness to a work that pays well?

If I choose the former, it would mean unhappiness and a great trial for my family but if I choose the latter, it would mean unhappiness and a great trial for myself. I have experienced the latter, not once but twice already...with the first one I always questioned myself "am I in the right field? Am I doing the right thing?" but then again my parents were happy, the second one made my parents live a comfortable life for a time but it ended with the "incident" leaving me and my parents with nothing. Now I have a chance to do what I dream of doing, a work I am sure that I will be happy with but it would mean that I won't be able to support my parents with the salary I'll be getting. Should I choose that or the other job being offered to me that pays very well but I'll be doing the same thing I've done for the last 6 years. What should be my choice? Should I be selfish or selfless?

I wish life is less complicated. For now, I'll just ponder and weigh things, I have a day left before the coaster sets to motion...I hope a day is enough to think and make a major decision that will definitely change my life.

Signing out~~

MERR!QUE

I can hear it breaking...

2007-01-17T02:21:50+08:00

...not the vase...although breaking one would ease what I'm feeling considerably.

I'm talking about my heart. LOL I can hear it breaking...not the shattering-to-pieces kind, more on the cracking kind.

All boils down to TRUST, you trust someone fully and then you find out something that makes you doubt your trust in the person you love dearly. That really hurts...a lot. If it wasn't important or if it's just "trivial" why not tell me? LOL We talk abou trivial things a lot but why keep it from me...it makes the "trivial" thing a "suspicious" thing. Specially when the "trivial" thing happens to be some weird girl calling you. And you make an effort to know more about this girl, who she is, where shes from, what she looks like (you even ask you highschool buddy to help you locate her...lol) and you talk to her ever so often -- is this trivial? LOL I doubt it, if something is so trivial, you wouldnt give it the time of day. But you did, what does it say about you?

A friend asked me "Are you sure he was flirting?" LOL I've known him for years and he likes talking to girls, for him it's friendly but what he doesn't see and what me and our friends can see is that he likes to flirt.

When guys flirt with me, I admit that I feel very sexy...yes, it makes me feel good...that's just about it. I don't flirt back more often than not unless it's a very dear friend and I know for a fact that he's harmless. If it's a very good friend and I get to feel he's serious, I put on that "taray" barrier to say "KEEP YOUR DISTANCE" or just be plain frank and ask if he's hitting on me and then dump him right then and there. That's because I respect my partner (lesson learned because I did the opposite before so I tried to change my ways as soon as I committed to this relationship). I don't flirt often because it can become a habit like everything else. I don't want it to become -- I don't drink...I don't smoke...but I flirt...I am addicted to it.

Flirting continuously with someone who you don't really know but shows an interest in you (i.e. calling you for no reason at all)...well, that's just asking for trouble. Oh yeah, it'll make you feel more macho...more desirable..but how would you feel when you see the hurt in your girlfiend's eyes? Was the flirting worth it? If your answer is yes or I don't really care, then you don't love your partner, so fu*k you. If you answer, no, then good for you to realize your mistake but you're still ONE BIG A-HOLE for doing so! LOL And if the gf did the same thing to you, how would you feel? LOL You get what you give..

I'm hurt, I'm mad, yes, I am angry but most of all I am dissappointed. I kept the connection lines open. I was honest with my fears. I was honest with my feelings. I try not to be a nosy gf (i dont check your email, i dont check your fone), I try not to be our friend's gfs that we hate. I value your privacy. I trusted you.

All I'm asking in return...HONESTY.

And to not have that with something so "trivial"...lol it hurts more.

I tried asking myself if I was right to get mad...YES, OH YES no doubt about it, if I didn't get mad then it just means I didn't care enough. Yes, i know he loves me but makes me wonder what if he can find someone else to love...lol...coz his actions make me think he's still looking. Should I also keep looking still?

I promised myself I won't cry...promises are meant to be broken...shouldve known better.

Signing out~

MERR!QUE

"Life gets better the more shit you encounter."

Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T22:50:25+08:00

1 hour to go and it's a new year again.

I look back at the things that happened this year and I really don't know how to react...

Thinking about what's to come this new year leaves me drawing a blank also...

1 hour to go and it's a new year again...hopefully something NEW and GOOD will happen to my life. God knows Ive suffered enough and learned my lesson by now...I need a break from all these problems.

Plastering a smile on my face to greet the new year...and hopefully I will find a smile in my heart also.

Signing out~~

MERR!QUE

"Life get's better the more sh!t you encounter."

Happy Birthday

2006-12-29T12:20:24+08:00

Yesterday was my dad's birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!

But sadly we had to leave him at home, he didn't want to go to Tagaytay with us because his right foot is in a cast and has to use crutches. Said he'd have a hard time so he opted to stay home. Sad...

We had a lot of fun yesterday, i get to ride a horse up the volcano alone, see the crater, go down and get wet during a small boat ride all across the lake. LOL My mom and Tita gave us hell when we got back since it was all dark when we reached the island.

Now my whole body is sore and right now I hate horsies. LOL Anyway, that was a good experience...very very good.

Will just rest today as there is another trip on the 1st of January. Happy happy, joy joy!

Singing out~~

MERR!QUE

"Life gets better the more sh!t you encounter."

Fast Forward then Pause

2006-12-26T16:59:06+08:00

Day 5

~~Merry~~ Christmas to everyone. That's it.

Day 6

Rest day. Pause.

Signing out~~

MERR!QUE

"Life gets better the more sh!t you encounter."

Arrrghhh!!

2006-12-24T10:05:28+08:00

Day 4

AGAIN!!! She did it again. Wake me up at 9am while she's dressing up only to tell me that they shouldve met with my Ninang at around 8:30am. I asked if should still come since it was late and my brother was going with her, she said YES. I went downstairs, took a bath and when I got out of the bathroom I saw her at the gate looking for my brother so they can leave...

Ok, you wake me up, you made me take a bath, you rush me and then you leave me...WTF???!!

I asked her what's the real score and she tells me to just go with my other brother at a later time...*temper explodes* Why rush me and then leave...jesus?! Thank you very much for ruining my day again.

This is one farking Christmas week, I just hope it all ends -- the pretense, the insults, the lies. It makes me hate me people more and more.

Signing out~~

MERR!QUE

"Life get's better the more sh!t you encounter."